It's Complicated

So far, I love the movie we're watching for class! Can't wait to finish it tomorrow.

Things that are great so far:
1. Showing the multidimensionality of adults in later life
2. Addressing multiple issues we have or will discuss in class (sexuality, fertility, career divorced, singlehood, impacts of divorce across generations)
3. Humor! Sexuality and getting older always seem to be better when accompanied by a good laugh.

After the movie is finished, I'll be discussing the items in #2 in more depth.

Happy Halloween,
Megan

Revisiting in-laws

So, I've been stuck on the in-laws thing for a while now. I guess I just can't quite understand how people have such a hard time dealing with their in-laws. I personally have an amazing relationship with my parents-in-law. From the beginning, we were just ourselves around each other. I suppose that I had to be, considering the first time we met. After a Halloween party the night before, my then-boyfriend's friend dropped us off at his parents house to get laundry, etc. Of course, I was in my day-old makeup and some hideous costume remnants. I'm pretty sure I looked a little bit like a hooker. From then on, my relationship with my future in-laws was based on a bit of humility, humor and honesty. We're pretty straightforward with each other, and I talk to my mother-in-law at least once a week just to say hi and keep each other up to date with things. This kind of effort goes a long way toward maintaining a good relationship, especially when kids/grandkids eventually enter the picture. I figure, the more family support we both have, the better.

In our reading from a few weeks ago, the authors mentioned that people have so many issues with in-laws, from wedding invitations to family gatherings. However, the overall idea I got from these complaints was that people on both sides of the in-law relationship were being inconsiderate OR overly sensitive. Based on these complaints, I've come up with some basic guidelines for in-law relationships:
1. Be patient. It will take time for your in-laws to get used to the new family organization.
2. Do not take small things too seriously. In general, your new in-laws will not be intentionally doing something that you dislike in order to cause a disagreement. If it is something important to you, address the issue in a calm manner and avoid hostile language or bringing up any old arguments.
3. Pick your battles. Just because they salt the corn differently than you do, it isn't really hurting anyone. Different does not mean wrong. Only address the issue if it is something very important to you.

4. a. Parents in-law: respect the new family unit that has formed. Be courteous about family gatherings and any requests of the new couple. All of your relationships are changing, so once again, be patient.
b. Children in-law: understand that your new parents-in-law will have some adjustments to make in respecting your new family unit. Do not overreact if they take some time to accept your presence as a permanent family member.
5. Be kind and use common sense. Do not allow your emotions to cloud your judgement and make a small situation into a family rift. It's too easy to let some hurt feelings ruin such important relationships.

Long-term sexual relationships

I was both surprised and not surprised at the importance of the sexual part of long-term marriages. On one hand, it would make sense that having a long-term relationship would make sex and sexual activity less important over things like communication, emotional connectedness, etc. Following some economic principles, the law of diminishing marginal utility states that, as each unit of a product is consumed, the value to the consumer of each additional unit of that product decreases. In this instance, sexual activity in a long-term relationship could be seen as less valuable because of the large amounts of previous sexual activity within that relationship.

At the same time, it would also make sense that sexual activity helps keep the emotional and physical connection alive in a relationship, even when conversations or activities become routine. Sexual activity has the potential to continue strengthening the bond between the couple in a way that other relationships do not have.

What do you think? Can sex still be exciting when it has been with the same person for 40 years? Does it need to be, or does it serve a different function at that point?

Eww! Old people sex

Watching the movie in class this week was really not as bad as I expected. While it did address the sexuality and sex lives of older adults, I think I have found a way for myself as well as others to feel a bit more comfortable with the topic. We have discussed how the idea of people like our grandparents having sex seems "gross" or uncomfortable, it seems to have more to do with the fact that they are our family members than that they are older. For example, I also do not want to hear about my parents', sisters' or cousins' sex lives, and they are not in the older adult category.

From another perspective, I would like to have a fulfilling sex life when I am in my 60s, 70s, or 80s, so why wouldn't these older adults? When you look at it from a view of yourself and what you would imagine, it makes it much different from imagining people that you know (like grandparents).

Ugh, my "in-laws"...

I have to say, the "in-law" relationship can be very complicated. When I attended my aunt's wedding (who was about 10 years younger than 4 of her other siblings, 3 of whom were married), all of the in-laws, the 3 spouses of the other siblings, did a skit during the rehearsal dinner. They were the "out-laws", complete with face-covering bandannas. They came into the room and inducted the husband-to-be into the family's group of out-laws. It was such a funny (and fun) way to acknowledge the sometimes tension-filled in-law relationship.

Sex communicates

In one of this week's readings, one particular part that stood out to me was the function of sex as a communication tool in a relationship. We are so used to actual, direct communication using words. Talking, tweeting, texting, they are all forms of explicit communication. I think we lose a lot of the nonverbal cues that help us bond with each other when we don't communicate in person.

In a relationship, communication is of the utmost importance. If you don't communicate well, your relationship will likely be unsuccessful (unless you're lucky and your partner just happens to be psychic). Sex is a form of communication, and I don't think we realize that. The reading helped remind me that sex, more than just the pleasure from it, can be used as a way to bond and communicate with your partner. We know that withholding sex is very communicative (shows dissatisfaction, anger, sadness, etc), so why wouldn't the act of having sex be just as communicative?

Because of the understanding of sex as communication, it is no wonder that sex is still an important aspect within later life relationships! In this sense, I am not talking about traditional sexual intercourse, but rather sexual intimacy in general. Since there are sometimes barriers to intercourse in later life relationships, the intimacy through caressing and other forms of sexual activity are just as important in the communication part of the relationship.

Social life in Later life

Our class and reading last week about the Red Hat Society really brought some of the misconceptions about later life that permeate our culture. It's important throughout life as infants, toddlers, young children, adolescents, young adults, etc. to be actively social. In fact, it is essential to our development to have contact with others through friendships and family. Why wouldn't this still be the case in later life?

I suppose that it is easy to think that, by the time you enter later life, everything is done/finished, and you have nothing else to accomplish or learn. We're never really done learning or growing, so it is even more important that adults in later life have social networks, especially because some of the automatic social networks like school or work are sometimes not available.

Another thing I really liked about the RHS was the willingness (and encouragement) to be a bit silly and have fun.  Just because we get older doesn't mean we stop liking stupid jokes or being boisterously loud with our friends. In society, we are encouraged to act in a mature way, which stifles the fun or silliness in our lives. Why can't we be responsible and mature, but still have a good time? I remember seeing my parents (50+) in a new way one winter when we visited where they grew up. They got together with some high school/college friends for an evening, and it seemed just like when I got together with my friends. Lots of laughing, joking, and just relaxing together. It's nice to know that life when you get older doesn't have to be all bills, work, and responsibility.