Book Groups/Wiki Project

Thank you all for sharing your hard work with us all last week. It was fantastic to be able to get a sense of the different books you all read without having to take the time to read them all myself, although I do think I have a couple to add to my reading to-do list. 

I could tell how much effort you all put into your projects, even in the design elements of your pages. They are a great help when working on Exam II as well, so thanks again!

Snow

As I sit and look out at the snow, I still enjoy seeing it. Somehow every year it still seems new and exciting. A friend posted on her Facebook status something along the lines of "It's just friggin' snow, people. Get over it, you've seen it before." While, to some degree, I understand where she was coming from with this, it made me think about the general passage of time throughout a life course of a person.

At what point do things like the first big snowfall or the first shorts-worthy spring day lose their thrill, or do they ever?

It's so important not to take the little joys in life for granted. We can make each day new and exciting even if it's the same as the 5, 10, 20, 50 years before, because we can always look at in in a new way. In relationships, we are constantly building upon the history we have established, making the meaning of each cup of coffee, dinner and a movie, or call on the phone worth more than its face value.

I hope you all can continue to find the little happinesses around you each and every day.

Celebrating Caregivers

A little while ago, I saw a commercial for Genworth financial, asking for nominations of caregivers that should be recognized. Given our discussions about both formal and informal caregiving, I thought it was particularly relevant.

You can check it out and read some of the nominations/stories on facebook: http://www.facebook.com/GenworthCelebrates

Giving Thanks

Hi everyone!

Thanks so much to those of you that shared your experiences over break with us. I'm so glad that this helped spark some conversation that otherwise might not have occurred.

I also discussed some of these things with my family while I was with them. My grandma said, when asked about how she feels about getting older and being in later life, "Sometimes it stinks, and sometimes its great." I feel like this really coincides well with what we've read about health concerns and negative changes but also about good social networks and other activities.

I had the chance to briefly discuss with my parents what they would like in the event that they need extra care in later life. The seemed as though they would be happy to go into an assisted living facility if it came to that. I was a bit surprised in this answer, especially because of how difficult it has been to find a suitable place for my mother's parents to be. They were fairly resistant to the change. However, upon further thought, I think the resistance was not really about the living arrangements themselves, but rather the realization that they had gotten to the point where they could no longer completely care for themselves. This has to be very difficult, especially with the general sense of independence and autonomy that we are raised with in the U.S.

Thanks again for participating in this with me, and I hope you will continue the dialogue about issues in later life with your families!
Megan

Challenge for you all

Hi everyone!

If you aren't already on your way home, I know you're thinking about it! I want to pose a challenge to you all while you spend time with family, and most likely some older adults. Please use the comments to post your answers/experiences to the following:

1.) How has this course changed the way you view some of the older adults in your life? Are there any aspects of later life that you are now noticing that you hadn't before?
2.) Talk to someone who fits in the "adult in later life" category about at least one of the following: their view on getting older, how they see their social life, their plans for extended care, etc.
3.) Discuss some of the issues in later life that we have talked about in class with someone you would not classify as in later life themselves. How might their thoughts be different from what we've discussed in class?

I'll work on these as well and report back with my experiences.

Have a great break!
Megan

Caregiving for adults in Later Life

I was very intrigued by the article discussing how caregiving responsibilities are divided based on income and work hours. It makes a lot of sense to me that those who work more would be more willing to provide financial assistance, regardless of whether or not they can provide the unpaid assistance.

In my own experience, I have seen my mother-in-law (Lindy) take care of her mother-in-law (Pat) when Pat had a stroke. I remember being surprised that Lindy was doing most of the caretaking rather than Pat's own children, of which she does have daughters. There are various complications within the family that make things a little more muddled than I can explain here, but Lindy's caregiving shows both the role of women as kinkeepers in families as well as the heavier burden that weighs upon women when dealing with care of older adults.

On my mother's side of the family, my grandparents have struggled off and on with health concerns, both mental and physical. My mother is one of 5 living siblings (my uncle passed away a number of years ago) who have somewhat arranged rotating care for my grandparents. The 3 female children (my mother and 2 aunts) have dealt more with the living arrangements and things, while one of my uncles has taken over some of the financial arrangements for my grandparents. Some of the issues they encounter are geographic in nature. Only 2 of the 5 children live in the same state as my grandparents, making caregiving arrangements rather difficult at times. As a result, my grandparents moved to an assisted living facility only a few minutes away from one of my aunts. This is great for my grandparents, but I can see this being difficult for my aunt and her family because she has children in elementary through high school ages. It is definitely an issue that comes up frequently and has cause all of the siblings to communicate with each other more frequently.

Parent and Adult Child Relationships

I found that I ended up being a bit more nervous than expected to present last week for class, but I really enjoyed discussing the topic. I think this is an especially interesting relationship to examine, since many of us will soon be approaching this stage as our parents get closer to later life as well.

Just like any relationship we've discussed, communication is so important. Because of the transitional nature of this period for both parents and children, it is crucial to keep the lines of communication open so that you can work through these changes together and have a good idea about how the other person is doing in their own transition.

I also think that this time is similar to some of the struggles encountered during adolescence. The issue of independence comes up in both sets of relationships, with adolescence being the beginning of independence assertion, and the parent-adult child relationship showing the realization of that independence. In both cases, parents are in a position where they have to begin to adjust to their child's growing autonomy and how that may change the nature of their relationship with their child.

I hope you all at least moderately enjoyed the discussion/activities, and I'll see you later this week!
Megan

It's Still Complicated

So thinking again about the movie "It's Complicated", Meryl Streep's character "Jane" goes through a lot of the issues that we have touched upon in class. Although fictional, it was still beneficial to see how some of these scenarios can potentially play out in someone's life and in all the complicated situations that may occur.

Launching: This is brought up right away, as Jane prepares to send off her youngest child to college. We see her spend her first nights alone in the house, and how that stirs up conflicting emotions for her.

Career Divorced: Jane has been divorced for 10 years, and sees herself as somewhat significantly tied to that identity. She has gone through a lot of self-discovery and come to terms with the end of her marriage but without entering any additional marriages.

Jake, Alec Baldwin's character, is also addressing some issues that we encountered in class.

Multiple family stages: Jake is launching his youngest child from his first marriage with Jane, while also dealing with the pre-school stage in his new family unit. As he considers having another child with his new wife, Jake almost re-enters the infant stage of parenting and family life. As we can see through this example, going through the different stages is not necessarily linear in nature, especially with the creation of new families through divorce and remarriage.

There are many other sub-plots and examples of topics from class, but these have been the ones that stuck out the most for me personally.

It's Complicated

So far, I love the movie we're watching for class! Can't wait to finish it tomorrow.

Things that are great so far:
1. Showing the multidimensionality of adults in later life
2. Addressing multiple issues we have or will discuss in class (sexuality, fertility, career divorced, singlehood, impacts of divorce across generations)
3. Humor! Sexuality and getting older always seem to be better when accompanied by a good laugh.

After the movie is finished, I'll be discussing the items in #2 in more depth.

Happy Halloween,
Megan

Revisiting in-laws

So, I've been stuck on the in-laws thing for a while now. I guess I just can't quite understand how people have such a hard time dealing with their in-laws. I personally have an amazing relationship with my parents-in-law. From the beginning, we were just ourselves around each other. I suppose that I had to be, considering the first time we met. After a Halloween party the night before, my then-boyfriend's friend dropped us off at his parents house to get laundry, etc. Of course, I was in my day-old makeup and some hideous costume remnants. I'm pretty sure I looked a little bit like a hooker. From then on, my relationship with my future in-laws was based on a bit of humility, humor and honesty. We're pretty straightforward with each other, and I talk to my mother-in-law at least once a week just to say hi and keep each other up to date with things. This kind of effort goes a long way toward maintaining a good relationship, especially when kids/grandkids eventually enter the picture. I figure, the more family support we both have, the better.

In our reading from a few weeks ago, the authors mentioned that people have so many issues with in-laws, from wedding invitations to family gatherings. However, the overall idea I got from these complaints was that people on both sides of the in-law relationship were being inconsiderate OR overly sensitive. Based on these complaints, I've come up with some basic guidelines for in-law relationships:
1. Be patient. It will take time for your in-laws to get used to the new family organization.
2. Do not take small things too seriously. In general, your new in-laws will not be intentionally doing something that you dislike in order to cause a disagreement. If it is something important to you, address the issue in a calm manner and avoid hostile language or bringing up any old arguments.
3. Pick your battles. Just because they salt the corn differently than you do, it isn't really hurting anyone. Different does not mean wrong. Only address the issue if it is something very important to you.

4. a. Parents in-law: respect the new family unit that has formed. Be courteous about family gatherings and any requests of the new couple. All of your relationships are changing, so once again, be patient.
b. Children in-law: understand that your new parents-in-law will have some adjustments to make in respecting your new family unit. Do not overreact if they take some time to accept your presence as a permanent family member.
5. Be kind and use common sense. Do not allow your emotions to cloud your judgement and make a small situation into a family rift. It's too easy to let some hurt feelings ruin such important relationships.

Long-term sexual relationships

I was both surprised and not surprised at the importance of the sexual part of long-term marriages. On one hand, it would make sense that having a long-term relationship would make sex and sexual activity less important over things like communication, emotional connectedness, etc. Following some economic principles, the law of diminishing marginal utility states that, as each unit of a product is consumed, the value to the consumer of each additional unit of that product decreases. In this instance, sexual activity in a long-term relationship could be seen as less valuable because of the large amounts of previous sexual activity within that relationship.

At the same time, it would also make sense that sexual activity helps keep the emotional and physical connection alive in a relationship, even when conversations or activities become routine. Sexual activity has the potential to continue strengthening the bond between the couple in a way that other relationships do not have.

What do you think? Can sex still be exciting when it has been with the same person for 40 years? Does it need to be, or does it serve a different function at that point?

Eww! Old people sex

Watching the movie in class this week was really not as bad as I expected. While it did address the sexuality and sex lives of older adults, I think I have found a way for myself as well as others to feel a bit more comfortable with the topic. We have discussed how the idea of people like our grandparents having sex seems "gross" or uncomfortable, it seems to have more to do with the fact that they are our family members than that they are older. For example, I also do not want to hear about my parents', sisters' or cousins' sex lives, and they are not in the older adult category.

From another perspective, I would like to have a fulfilling sex life when I am in my 60s, 70s, or 80s, so why wouldn't these older adults? When you look at it from a view of yourself and what you would imagine, it makes it much different from imagining people that you know (like grandparents).

Ugh, my "in-laws"...

I have to say, the "in-law" relationship can be very complicated. When I attended my aunt's wedding (who was about 10 years younger than 4 of her other siblings, 3 of whom were married), all of the in-laws, the 3 spouses of the other siblings, did a skit during the rehearsal dinner. They were the "out-laws", complete with face-covering bandannas. They came into the room and inducted the husband-to-be into the family's group of out-laws. It was such a funny (and fun) way to acknowledge the sometimes tension-filled in-law relationship.

Sex communicates

In one of this week's readings, one particular part that stood out to me was the function of sex as a communication tool in a relationship. We are so used to actual, direct communication using words. Talking, tweeting, texting, they are all forms of explicit communication. I think we lose a lot of the nonverbal cues that help us bond with each other when we don't communicate in person.

In a relationship, communication is of the utmost importance. If you don't communicate well, your relationship will likely be unsuccessful (unless you're lucky and your partner just happens to be psychic). Sex is a form of communication, and I don't think we realize that. The reading helped remind me that sex, more than just the pleasure from it, can be used as a way to bond and communicate with your partner. We know that withholding sex is very communicative (shows dissatisfaction, anger, sadness, etc), so why wouldn't the act of having sex be just as communicative?

Because of the understanding of sex as communication, it is no wonder that sex is still an important aspect within later life relationships! In this sense, I am not talking about traditional sexual intercourse, but rather sexual intimacy in general. Since there are sometimes barriers to intercourse in later life relationships, the intimacy through caressing and other forms of sexual activity are just as important in the communication part of the relationship.

Social life in Later life

Our class and reading last week about the Red Hat Society really brought some of the misconceptions about later life that permeate our culture. It's important throughout life as infants, toddlers, young children, adolescents, young adults, etc. to be actively social. In fact, it is essential to our development to have contact with others through friendships and family. Why wouldn't this still be the case in later life?

I suppose that it is easy to think that, by the time you enter later life, everything is done/finished, and you have nothing else to accomplish or learn. We're never really done learning or growing, so it is even more important that adults in later life have social networks, especially because some of the automatic social networks like school or work are sometimes not available.

Another thing I really liked about the RHS was the willingness (and encouragement) to be a bit silly and have fun.  Just because we get older doesn't mean we stop liking stupid jokes or being boisterously loud with our friends. In society, we are encouraged to act in a mature way, which stifles the fun or silliness in our lives. Why can't we be responsible and mature, but still have a good time? I remember seeing my parents (50+) in a new way one winter when we visited where they grew up. They got together with some high school/college friends for an evening, and it seemed just like when I got together with my friends. Lots of laughing, joking, and just relaxing together. It's nice to know that life when you get older doesn't have to be all bills, work, and responsibility.

Sibling Relationships and Conflict

Our conversations in class this week about sibling relationships helped me to revisit my own relationship with my sister. She is about 3 years younger than me, making her 22. She just graduated and is now working at her first job.

While living together in our house, we tended to argue over things like who gets to use the bathroom first, how unfair mom or dad is treating one of use over the other, etc. She was my "annoying little sister" from the beginning. Even as a baby she would get up early in the morning, yelling for me and waking me up. However, if anyone dared to threaten her, I would be there in a heartbeat.

As we both started getting out of the house and becoming more independent, our relationship began growing stronger. I remember us having a conversation in the car when we went shopping together. At that moment, we realized how much better we got along when we weren't fighting for our parents' attention. We could really just appreciate each other as friends, and as sisters.

Based on the categories of sibling relationships we discussed, I would place my relationship with her at congenial. I am happy with where we are now and I hope that we don't revert back to the apathetic or hostile typologies from the past.

Ohio - Issue 6: Butler County Senior Services Levy

It's almost the end of September, and I am already seeing signs up saying "Help the Elderly, vote YES on Issue 6". The levy for Butler County Senior Services doesn't come up for a vote until the election on November 2nd, but people are already spreading the word about it.

According to the Oxford Press:

If passed, the renewal would continue to cost an owner of a $100,000 home $37 a year.

In 2009, more than 4,000 Butler County seniors were assisted by funds generated by the levy, according to John Stugmyer, executive director of the center.

“We must pass the levy,” he told the seniors.

The levy, he said, allows seniors to live with “independence and dignity.”

Middletown Mayor Larry Mulligan Jr. said the services provided by the levy are “critical to the quality of life” for Butler County seniors.

The levy allows seniors to receive community-based care, not institutional care. Suzanne Burke, director of Council on Aging of Southwestern Ohio, said surveys show that 96 percent of seniors want to remain at home as long as possible.

For full article please visit: http://www.oxfordpress.com/news/election/issue-6-deemed-critical-to-seniors-quality-of-life-921162.html

As this year's election gets closer, it is very important to familiarize yourself with local issues as well as political candidates. Because you are a student in Butler County, you can vote on this issue! How will you decide? How will this class influence your decision? I encourage you all to become informed, active voters, regardless of your political stance. 

Parents and Grandparents, at the same time

In US culture, the relationship model held up as the ideal follows the pattern of: dating, getting married, having kids, becoming "empty nesters", and then becoming grandparents. While there are many reasons why things might occur outside of this neat order, it is generally the standard that we are socialized to desire.

What about families like the Duggars on 19 Kids and Counting? They have followed this plan, but are still having kids of their own while also becoming grandparents. Their youngest child is younger than their first grandchild! There are numerous examples of parents deciding to have more children when they already have older ones, but the age gap is usually less extreme than in the Duggars' case, especially without the variable of divorce and remarriage.

My own grandparents had 2 more children when my mom was about 10 and 11 years old. Later, when discussing their experiences about my grandparents as parents, it seemed as though they had completely different parents. With 10 years of parenting experience already established, of course you would handle experiences differently with the later children. How would this alter the traditional nuclear family dynamic? How could it influence couple relationships as well as sibling and parent-child relationships?

Also, the parent's age can influence the way that they raise their children. There might be less energy for the late-thirties parent to share with their child than the parent who had their child in their twenties. However, there is also the possibility of increased financial stability for parents in the 30s as opposed to their 20-something counterparts.

Is there really a "best" or "right" way to be a parent?

Skyping with Grandma & Grandpa

I am so proud of my grandparents. The examples that they have set for adults in later life are only what I could hope for myself in the best of circumstances. They are both very active, despite retirement and the occasional wrinkle. For example:

They are avid motorcyclists (and yes, my grandma can drive one too!) They are part of a motorcycle group that does local, day-long rides to cool local restaurants and places of interest.
They are keeping up with technology. I talk to both of them via Skype about once every one or two weeks. In fact, it is my grandpa's birthday this week, so I plan to video call him that day. My grandpa manages some websites for others, as well as his own for his square-dance calling business. They have a joint Facebook account to keep up with the family goings-on, and they also have had IM accounts for years.
They have a variety of hobbies that keep them busy, and it seems like they are always running off to some business or social plans.

I just hope that I can stay as current and active as they are when I get to be their age!

Musical Ageism

This morning I was listening to the radio, and some lyrics popped out to me:

"We'll be young forever"..."I'm living a teenage dream"

Is it really so bad to get older? What are some of the connotations of young? It could be young physically, young mentally... Is it better to look young but have the experience of someone older?

Keep an ear out for other songs that reflect the constant desire to remain young.

Growing old together...or not?

The other evening as I washed my face and put on some lotion before going to bed, I asked my husband:

"What happens when I get old and wrinkly?"

He replied: "I'll be old and wrinkly, too."

That thought was somewhat comforting to think about while falling asleep that night, but what happens when you don't have that partner? In our grandparents' generation, it was relatively accepted that the person you meet and fall in love with at 20 or 30 will be the same person that you are with in your 60s or 70s. Currently, with almost half of first marriages ending in divorce, this isn't really the case anymore. Could this be part of our society's growing obsession over youth and defying the signs of aging?

When people are out in the world, and more specifically the dating scene, in their 40s and 50s, they may feel that they are competing with younger individuals. This may be particularly true with women, and perhaps may begin to explain the "cougar" phenomenon as a reflection of the older man/younger woman relationship.

Just some food for thought, what do YOU think?

Bat Wings and Turkey Wattles?

Alright, I do admit that the article's title did get my attention. First question: I knew what this meant (or at least had an idea of it), but what about men? This took me to some thoughts about aging and gender in a shared context. Older men are "sophisticated" and "accomplished", but older women are not? I know that this goes much deeper into issues of gender and how it relates to power in our society. Perhaps the root of this discourse can be found in the lingering sentiment that a woman is only as valuable as she appears, going back to when women were considered more like possessions than people.

Yes, I suppose you could say "well, look at Demi Moore! She's in a relationship with a younger man, so it's not just the 'older man, younger woman' stereotype anymore." I would agree that she sets a different standard for the relationship part of things; HOWEVER, do you think Demi looks her age? How does her youthful appearance affect the way society perceives her relationship with a younger man? What about someone like Diane Keaton? THAT is what I envision when I think of aging gracefully. If you have not seen "Something's Gotta Give", I really recommend it. Diane sets a new standard for older women and beauty, and does not seem to fall into some of the same traps that other aging actresses have in regard to the quest for a youthful look. Another thought: sex sells (sells movies, merchandise, clothing, cars...), and do you think of adults in later life even as sexual beings at all?

See you all tomorrow,
Megan

Welcome to Megan's FSW 466/566 Blog

Hello everyone!

This is the blog I have created as part of my work in the FSW 566 course. I am in my 2nd year of graduate study at Miami, and I anticipate graduating in May 2011 with my MS in Family and Child Studies. I also have my undergraduate degree in Spanish from Miami.

Please check back between class meetings for an opportunity to discuss your thoughts on the information from readings and class meetings.

Thanks!
Megan Kuykendoll
taylormk@muohio.edu